WASHINGTON — In a press release, the Joint Chiefs of Staff announced today that all prior nuclear weapons authorization systems will be replaced with a secure two-factor authentication protocol via Duo Push. “In this time…
Amid a year of sparse project opportunities, the student consulting groups at Dartmouth have begun looking for alternative ways to do free labor without volunteering in the community. After hearing these complaints from members of…
November 2, 2023 Dear Mother, Last night I attended my very first fraternity party. Oh what fun it was! The lights, the dancing, the action! Good mother, you should have seen it. There I was,…
After years of students scrambling to meet distributive requirements before they graduate, the Dartmouth College Registrar has finally found a solution. With the new SUPER CLASS, all distributives can be met over the course of…
A bonfire is an engine of destruction. Architecture and chemistry combined, ravenous for a spark so they might eat away at everything around them, licking and swallowing and always hungry for more. I took this…
On Monday morning, the Dartmouth Political Union issued a statement on the Democracy summit. “We’re so happy that Dartmouth students are signing up in droves to attend Liz Cheney’s address at the Democracy Summit,” said…
I like men. But not like, like that. I don’t wanna kiss them or cuddle them or go on Zillow and choose a dream house in Malibu that’d be absolutely perfect for raising our adopted…
After Shel Silverstein’s Sick: I cannot go to school today, Said Dartmouth students in a fray. Wall Street Journal put us so low, My self esteem just took a blow. Of the best, we’re just…
The Dartmouth Center for Professional Development, in collaboration with the Student Research Fellowship and the Dartmouth Social Compatibility Committee, announced yesterday the creation of a new initiative to expand off-term opportunities for Dartmouth students: Fuck-Off…
On Tuesday, Dartmouth Athletic Director Joseph Gornstein announced that Dartmouth will be leaving the Ivy League athletic conference and moving to the Big 10 conference this fall. This move follows other athletic powerhouses from around…
Sources close to the matter have confirmed that Taenia Solium, the tapeworm living in your stomach, has been really enjoying 23X at Dartmouth College. “I’ve been having a blast. Everyone told me sophomore summer would…
May 23, 2023 Your Name Sent electronically to your.s.name.25@dartmouth.edu Dear Student, I have received a report from Dartmouth Breathing Services that you breathed 2 gallons of air over the allotted 2,000 gallons per day without…