DDS-Coin: FAQ
Howdy Darties! As you may now know, Dartmouth Dining Services (DDS) is rolling out an exciting new system that will replace both meal swipes and Dining Dollars called DDS-Coin. We’ve attached a list of frequently…
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No, That’s Not A Celsius Can. He’s Drinking A White Claw In Your 9L.
Take everything you know about “wake and bake” and throw it out the window. It’s that time of the morning, when your poor sleep schedule has hit you like a bag of bricks. Your professor’s…
Recent Evidence Of Jesus’s Companion Parakeet Complicates Pope’s Views On Pet Ownership
This past weekend, a team of researchers in Jerusalem announced the unearthing of archeological evidence which complicated Pope Francis’ recent statement that having pets instead of children is “selfish”. The discovery, the remains of Jesus’…
Econ Major a Little Too Honest in Recruiting Interview
Amidst the summer recruiting cycle, Dartmouth students everywhere are presenting the best versions of themselves as recruiters for top finance and consulting firms flock to campus. “It’s not about the money,” declared Sam Redford ’22,…
Xerxes: Abolish Greek Life
I, Xerxes son of Darius, Great King of Persia and Media, King of Kings, King of the Lands; Master of Libya, Egypt, Arabia, Ethiopia, Babylonia, Chaldea, Phoenicia, Elam, Syria, Assyria and the nations of Palestine;…
Dartmouth To Announce Additional Set Of Lotteries For Those Willing To Forgo Other Basic Necessities
Dean of the College Dear Returning Students, You are receiving this message, today, because you submitted your Housing Intentions form and requested a bed assignment on campus for fall. We are pleased to announce a…
“The College’s Rules Suck,” Says Affiliated Upperclassman With Packed Social Life
As spring term draws to a close, vaccination rates steadily rise, and the country begins to reopen, Dartmouth’s social distancing policies have drawn increasing criticism of their public health merits. Many upperclassmen in particular condemn…
’24 Asking Complicated Question In Intro Course Clearly A Genius
In Computer Science 1—Introduction to Programming and Computation—while Professor Winger was lecturing about assigning variables, ’24 Mark Rutger asked an advanced question about object-oriented programming, something that had not yet been covered. This very complicated…
White Activist Still Going To Mispronounce Asian Victims’ Names
Following the sickening anti-Asian hate crime which left eight dead in Atlanta, a growing movement has spread on Instagram to “say their names.” However, calls to “say their names” have not stopped activists from continuing…
Critic Review: FoCo Napkins Kinda Bland
Don’t get me wrong — I’m not complaining. Overall, I’m very satisfied with the FoCo dining experience. We’re tremendously lucky to have such a dedicated dining staff. But I feel the need to voice what…
Dartmouth Administration Cuts Two Libraries Because They’re For Nerds
After realizing that “only nerds have time to read stupid books,” the Dartmouth Administration has closed the Kresge and Paddock Libraries. “Only fucking losers want to read,” says President Phil Hanlon ‘77. “Physical Sciences? Music?…
Secret Societies Bad At Being Secret
Due to their thinly veiled “initiation” tasks on social media this week, it has become overwhelmingly apparent that secret Senior Societies are really bad at keeping themselves secret. Sources show that every single Dartmouth student…