New Update to Duo Push
To increase security on campus, SNS will now be requiring Duo Push, the two-factor authentication system students currently use to log in to Darthub and their email, in numerous other scenarios as well. “My orgo…
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Phil Hanlon Announces “Retirement” Was A Ruse to Reveal The Disloyal
On Sunday, the Dartmouth community gathered on the green to pay tribute to retiring President Hanlon. After a short introduction, Hanlon himself was scheduled to give a short speech. Laughing as he stepped forward to…
Healthcare Hero! Area Man Takes Adderall Shortage Into Own Hands
As the Adderall shortage continues to ravage pharmacies nationwide, those diagnosed with ADHD have been struggling to make do without their prescriptions for months on end. But in the darkness of a seemingly endless supply…
Murdaugh Found Guilty For Murder Via Game Of “Clue”
On a dark and stormy Tuesday, a South Carolina court of law found disgraced ex-lawyer Alex Murdaugh guilty of the 2021 murders of his wife and son. The jurors, all clad in brightly colored clothing,…
Diary Of A Self-Diagnosed Psycho-Histrionic Narcissist
Dear Diary, Okay, so I felt so, like, operant conditioned this morning! Just because my alarm clock went off, I’m like, expected to wake up?! That type of thinking is, like, so heuristic, it’s for…
“We Should Start A Band” Says Man Too Afraid To Ask Other Man To “Hang Out”
We’ve known each other since our freshman year, we’ve run in the same circles, and we like similar things. We always run into each other, I see you everywhere. It’s actually pretty bizarre that we’ve…
Breaking News: Every Girl On Campus Too Tired To Go Out Tonight
Dartmouth’s campus has recently seen an uptick in cases of fatigue, particularly on the part of girls who happen to know one Boyd Dieter ‘23 of Beta. To Dieter’s concern, a number of his classmates…
Tuck Mall To Open Five New Stores
The college announced Tuesday that Tuck Mall will open five new stores by the end of 2023. The street, which has been notoriously bare of retail, has been bought out by Simon Malls and will…
Hey You! No, Not You. That Guy Over There
Hey, YOU! I want YOU for the U. S. Army. No, not you. That guy over there. No, man, I’m sorry, I wasn’t pointing to you the first time. I was pointing to that guy. …
DSG Announces New Campus Bowling Alley: Open Whenever You Can’t Go
Dear students, After an intense back and forth with administration that resulted in three casualties, one child up for adoption, two divorces, and a transfer to Princeton University, Dartmouth Student Government has finally reached a…
#Girlboss: Woman Extremely Productive While Openly Crying On FFB
With finals season upon us, students on FFB have reported the presence of a blotchy-faced woman whose ability to multitask has been an incredible inspiration. “I don’t know how she does it,” says Sophia Amoruso…
This Year’s Hit Rom-Com(munist) Movie: When Hammer Met Sickle
Even if you thought you’d seen it all, you ain’t seen nothing Sovi-yet. This October’s surprise smash hit is taking America by storm, and critics are raving. No matter where you come from, everyone will…