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Today's TV Lineup
FEATURED SHOW – Exotic Dancing With the Stars: Celebrities are paired with professional strippers to see how their lives would have been had they dropped out of acting school. This week: Stephen Hawking is…
10 Songs Glee Should Totally Cover
After months of debate and deliberation, we’re finally ready to debut our list of songs that would benefit from the trademark Glee treatment: 4 1/2 Minutes of Will.I.Am Having A Violent Fit of Tapeworm-Induced Dysentery…
How To Win Pinterest
Within the next five years, find a man. He will be some form of Ryan Reynolds. You will woo him by leaving storybooks of your relationship, coupons for a toenail clipping, and a box of…
Hey Guys, I Think I'm Going to Join a Business Plan Contest!
DisAppointment: A digital calendar that randomly mixes up your appointments, so you’re always in the wrong place and your loved ones and coworkers are constantly saddened The Death Wristwatch: A digital watch whose screen occasionally…
Mammoths
Officer, I am innocent. The reason there are bits and pieces of human remains in my backpack and some others found in my room is very simple. It was the wooly mammoths, you see. It…
Pen Pals With Benefits
Why ruin a close friendship with sex when you can just as easily ruin a long-distance one? Follow these steps to quickly turn that pen pal into a you-know-what buddy: Get back in touch. Haven’t…
Martha Stewart’s Inner Haiku Pre-Christmas Party
Bird in the oven Table set with many forks Time to rock this bitch Guests are on the way Rejecting Ina Garten They want my cookies Mastered phony smile And the empty heartless laugh Make…
JACKO NEWS: Pseudo-intellectual baby pisses everyone off
Conflict has erupted at First Steps Daycare after Tyler Greene, 1, started to become a huge pain in the ass. “At first I was impressed, what with his extensive baby sign language vocabulary and superior…
FROM THE ARCHIVES: The Whore Ex & Other Stories by Dr. Seuss
Doctor Theodor Seuss Geisel is rather widely known as being an illustrator and author of books for children, however what most people don’t know is that the content was actually adapted from stories about his…
The Man Who Confuses Stockings with Stalking
by Paulie Clawson ’13 It was January Thirteenth, I was home sick with the flu When some noises and ash fell from the chimney flue Someone on the roof was coming a-knocking Was it Santa…
12 Uses for a Christmas Fruitcake
by Charlie Rafkin ’16 1. Insert into food processor; add myrtle; add 30 shots of absinthe; get fucked up. 2. Mold fruitcake into flip-flops for dorm bathroom. Nothing is quite so supple as a fruitcake….