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The cancellation of spring term has been a living nightmare for Dartmouth students in every way. This Green Key, Jacko is thinking a lot about how sad we are that we can’t bring back our…

First: We get it. We hate making these Decisions as much as you hate hearing them, probably, we assume. Unfortunately, this Reason and this other Reason make this Decision much out of our control.   We…

This afternoon, Dartmouth College announced that it is cancelling in person classes during the summer of 2020 due to concerns related to the COVID-19 pandemic and the difficulty of social distancing on campus. Though this…

Dartmouth College’s transition to remote learning has closed campus, but undergraduate students are continuing to drink excessively, now at home. Unfortunately, such alcoholism is no longer fun and instead seems profoundly depressing. “Yeah, I miss…

Local man Terry Zhou, following a raging Wikipedia-page bender, has recently reached the conclusion that although 19-year-old Joan of Arc single-handedly redefined France’s geopolitical landscape, she really could have smiled more. “I mean, sure, Joan…

An email sent out by College officials earlier this week was baffled by the existence of entitled, self-centered fraternity members putting community members at risk, reading: “So as it turns out, quite a few fratty…

Baby Boomers have been taking a lot of flack lately. And while criticizing people for having regressive, outdated opinions has its merits, we have long ignored their most disturbing offense: booming babies. Let’s look at…

Yesterday, Dartmouth President Phil Hanlon announced that the Commencement exercises of the Class of 2020 will be postponed to next June because of concerns related to COVID-19. Though this news is unsurprising, it is particularly…

There’s no denying that COVID-19 has made social media a particularly scary and saddening place. That’s why many wellness experts suggest distancing yourself from platforms such as Facebook and Instagram, and using this trying time…

In a move that political analysts are calling a “keen” and “adept” strategic play, Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the presidential race. As pundit Sarah Kronsky writes on Twitter, “Anti-establishment voters want a new…

On Tuesday, April 7, Wisconsin voters waited in long lines to cast their ballots in the state’s primary despite the acute fear of COVID-19. “Geez,” said 57 year-old Mary-Anne Sommars, “Risking my life to vote…

During his first day of class yesterday, English professor Walter Michaelson reassured his students that his class will remain a laptop free zone. “We are living in unprecedented and turbulent times,” began Professor Michaelson, “and…