Five Other Uses for Blood

The American Red Cross has long recognized that although it must maintain a consistent high demand for blood donations, it actually rarely uses any of the blood it collects. This policy is referred to “Just In Case Somebody’s Bleeding a Lot”. Rather, the combination of the blood it gathers from random sources, such as sidewalks and playground equipment, as well as the blood that is sent in from charitable donors tends to become overwhelming, so many initiatives for practical uses for the collected blood have begun and continue to this day. Five such uses are:

1. Fertilizer for prestigious campuses.

It has long been understood that the beautifully manicured campuses must maintain a higher quality of standard than the more common school grounds, and therefore, the products used on their lawns must be a grade higher than your joe-schmo manure fertilizers. Human blood has not only led to a lush and colorful crop of grass, it gives a whole new meaning to how the other people can serve the 1%.

2. The Feed of the Internet.

Let’s face it: 4chan doesn’t run on electricity. The required semen is collected separately, usually from sidewalks and playground equipment.

3. Punishment for red haired children.

Every time they do anything wrong, it inconveniences everyone else. Their red hair is generally kept its shade as a reminder of what they’ll get.

4. Substitute for asbestos.

Rather than risk this carcinogenic substance, scientists have found that human blood often provides a similar insulating properties because of its oxygen and iron. Businesses especially like that the government has not passed any regulations on the use of blood, despite the risk of AIDS and other blood-born contagions. I mean… Hey, it’s legal-ish.

5. The Mosquito Gun

The Department of Defense has been a significant source of funding for the American Red Cross, as it buys the excess blood in the development of the Mosquito Gun. This gun functions by coating targets in blood, and then releasing a shit ton of mosquitoes. This method has been found to be highly effective in disbanding protest groups comprised of anyone under the age of twenty-five and/or Brooklynites.