Frisbee Season Cancelled

In a tragedy that left everyone on the Dartmouth Ultimate Frisbee team having to go inside and find something else to do, the team’s one and only frisbee landed on Old Man McNulty’s roof Sunday afternoon.

“We’re never gonna get that back,” declared team captain Trevor “T-Bone” Biggs ‘14 in an official statement made while kicking a clod of dirt and sulking. Biggs had reportedly spent his entire allowance on buying the disc.

After extensive rescue efforts to retrieve the disc with branches, rocks, and boosted up freshmen failed, the team decided to pack up and call it a season.

“McNulty’s the meanest, most crankiest old man in the whole neighborhood,” said frisbee center Megan Moore ‘15. “If he’da saw us on his roof like that, he’da told our moms like last time,” she said, pointing to the green alien head disk on the northwest corner of the roof. “That was our best season, ‘cause it glowed in the dark.”

Many have expressed interest in finding a new vacant frisbee field to play in, as players grow more certain that Mr. McNulty is the boogeyman. However, these suspicions remain unconfirmed until Luke Bradley ‘14 quits chickening out and hops the fence.

“Luke’s a retard,” said Dan Oberstein ‘14. “Yeah, we were all trying to hit that squirrel, that’s what we do at frisbee practice, but it takes a real retard-o to screw it up.” Charges have yet to be brought against Bradley for the incident, but his teammates suggested he be disciplined internally with infinity dead arms.

“Probably the next time I can get another frisbee is when I get my birthday Christmas money,” said Biggs, lamenting that his birthday and Christmas take place in the same month.

While early reports suggested plans to jointly raise funds for a new disc, an ice cream truck drove by. The funds instead went to Cotton Candy Swirls and Spongebob Pops.

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