Freshman Get-Together Explodes Into Party Mode Once Keystone Cracked Open

What was planned as an early evening hangout in the River Cluster turned into a full-on rager Friday night when one attendee broke out cold can of Keystone Light beer.

“At first we were just playing Super Nintendo and listening to Radiohead,” said Alex Stanton ‘16, who hosted the festivities in his dorm. “Then Robbie came in with that Keystone, and shit went wild.”

The open Keystone instantly released unprecedented levels of good vibes and raditude, transforming the drab beige dorm room into campus’s hottest nightspot.

“I didn’t even know my dorm was equipped with blacklights, smoke machines, and an LED dance floor,” said Stanton. “But there it all was once that single Keystone was flowing.”

Safety and Security was quick to respond to noise complaints related to the spontaneous party. “I showed up around 9:40 PM,” said S&S Officer Marvin Portman. “My only course of action upon seeing that it was a Keystone party was to surrender to the beat and discipline the students on the dance floor.” Portman promptly schooled the attendees in a buck-wild pop & lock competition.

“When Kevin Durant rolled up with his crew, we knew this was going to be one for the books,” said Brett Visconti ‘16. “I just never could have imagined what happened next.”

Around 9:42 PM, the dance floor parted and Kanye West rose up on a hydraulic platform. “I heard there’s some B-E-E-R up in this bitch!” he reportedly shouted before launching into a rip-roaring set of old favorites and never-before-heard unreleased tracks. Supermodels in ancient Egpytian garb proceeded to parade around the single Keystone on a luxurious sedan chair.

The rest of the party went as smooth as an ice cold can of Keystone light, which it most definitely had. No injuries were reported on the BMX halfpipe, nor in the party’s many gold-plated jacuzzis. The fire marshal was on hand to oversee the pyrotechnics display. An unidentified freshman holding a cup of water was immediately ejected.

“The place was nuts,” said Robbie Morris ‘16, the venerated party Prometheus who brought the Keystone. “I wish it had gone all night, but my brother could only hook me up with one.” Nevertheless, all the freshmen in attendance achieved mind-numbing inebriation.

When the last drop of the Keystone’s 12 ounces had been drunk, the dorm immediately returned to its normal dull state. Gone were the DJ, the velvet-roped VIP room, and the Brazilian Women’s National Volleyball Team, replaced by a pair of external laptop speakers and an empty pizza box.

“You had to wonder whether it was all just a dream,” said Stanton. “But then Robbie pulled out that joint, and we were back.”

Transported to a far-out psychedelic Wonderland, the freshmen proceeded to have their minds melted by the light hits they didn’t really inhale.

 

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