Finally, a Realistic, Concrete Solution to This Whole “Gun Violence” Thing

A coalition of 12 states announced on Monday that they have found “the solution to this whole ‘gun violence’ thing.”

According to the press release, “all men wishing to purchase a gun will need to have that purchase co-signed by their mother, sister, or wife.” The release went on to say that “men just can’t be trusted with that level of responsibility.”

We got the opportunity to visit an arms dealer and speak with management about how the new changes will impact the gun-purchasing process. “Well, even if a man brings his wife or mother along, and you know she’s written the character references and she’s co-signed for the license, then the real process begins. We take Mr. Potential Gun-Owner into the back room, here, and we’re required to give him this pamphlet that says ‘Gun Owners Go to Hell’ on the front in what appears to be Microsoft Office WordArt, that firey clipart stuff. Someone went all out on these. There’s a paragraph in the middle rambling on about guns and sin. And then of course there’s the video, which is just this documentary about one man who bought a gun and then regretted it. He starts crying halfway through. And if our customer still wants to buy a gun, after all that, we send him home and make him come back in three days. We’re supposed to tell him to ‘really think about it.’”

Though these changes have been described as “demeaning” and “ridiculous,” it seems they also may be highly effective at cutting down on the number of guns purchased, or at least purchased legally and safely. New regulations, one source warned, may give rise to black market gun sales that put the customer at risk.

A grassroots movement of outraged men is gathering to march on the Capitol next week, claiming the new legislation is “incredibly sexist.” We asked one Congresswoman backing the deal what she would say to the frustrated protestors. “Don’t worry,” our source said. “You’ll still be paid more. Some things never change.”

– CC ’21