A Humble Public Service Announcement: There Are Too Many Muffin Flavors at Novack Café

I must bring to your attention a true crisis in our community: there are too many muffin flavors at Novack Café. After all, what are they trying to prove? No one goes to Novack to have options. It’s just raw calories, to make sure you don’t pass out halfway through your 10a. Let’s not pretend like you need that many choices.

You might be thinking, ‘what a weird thing to complain about!’ Too many options? Yes, yesterday I, too, was as naïve as you. I bet you’ll agree with me, though. Let’s unpack our options.

After countless hours poring over the DDS menus available online and cross-referencing the data in a computer program I designed myself, I have determined that there are seven muffin flavors that rotate, two options everyday. Fine. But of those seven, a maximum of four need to exist. There is too much overlap in our muffin categories. What do I mean?

There is a French Toast Muffin and a Cinnamon Coffee Cake Muffin. If you can genuinely explain the difference between those in actual ingredients and not just the folksy image it conjures up of your mother’s French Toast, then you can keep it. Otherwise, pick one, it’s dead.

There is a Chocolate Chip Muffin and a Double Chocolate Chip Muffin. That one doesn’t require an explanation. If you are having commitment issues with your level of chocolate, the 25 person line before your 9L is not the time to work it out. Keep the Chocolate Chip or I’m not patronizing this establishment anymore.

And finally, the best one. There is a Blueberry Muffin and a Triple Berry Muffin. Like on Tuesday I’ll get the blueberry and then on Wednesday I need to blow off some steam and just feel something, you know, so I’ll kick it up to three times the berries? No, thank you. This is not the time for risk. This is the time for a modest continental breakfast.

This is madness. It’s inefficient. It’s offensive. And I will tolerate it no longer.

What is the solution, you ask? Boycotting Novack seems a bit extreme, especially since you’re only here because you’re on your way to your class in Carson and there aren’t any other options. In the event of a siege, Novack can outlast you.

You could get the entire student body to commit to buying the same flavor of muffin every day for a week to show them we mean business. The simplest solution, though, the one we’re all thinking, is that you need to open up a rival muffin stand in the middle of FFB that only sells one flavor of muffin. Just one. The most fiber. The least fun. The humble bran muffin.

What’s that? You weren’t expecting to become a Muffin Tycoon, Wielder of Batters, Lord of Breakfast-Appropriate Cupcakes? Well, you should’ve thought of that before attending a school that regularly sells seven different kinds of muffins.

You’re either with us or you’re against us.

This has been a humble public service announcement.

– CC ’21