Help! Lost Virginity! DM Me if Found!

Hey guys, I’m really sorry for yet another lost items post in this group, but I lost my virginity at Beta last night and I would really appreciate if whoever has it could return it to me. I’m really not mad at whoever took it, so please tell me who you are; I really just want to get it back.

I got to Beta at around 11:30 and specifically hid it behind a couch and tied it to all of my other friends’ virginities. I was in the basement for about three hours and when I came back upstairs my virginity was completely gone. The weirdest part was that mine was the only one out of our group of eight that was stolen, and mine was definitely the least desirable of the bunch.

Yes, I do understand that you can’t expect to get through four years of college without misplacing at least a few of them, but I always imagined that the experience would feel more meaningful.

I did feel pretty powerful walking around in the cold without it last night, though, and I definitely felt a stronger connection to the community. It was like I had been initiated into the Dartmouth social scene! But I still think it would be best if I could have my virginity for when I go out again next weekend.

Anyways please tell me if you have it. I’ll buy you so much KAF, I can Venmo you if you want, I’d even let you take one of my v-cardigans instead. Please just let me know! My parents got me this virginity for Christmas and I really don’t want to have to explain to them how I lost it.

Thanks, guys! Stay pure, it’s cold out there!

– BD ’22