Dartmouth Clarifies That its Focus on Undergraduate Research Has Actually Been Focus on Research on Undergraduates

A recent clarification from the faculty at Dartmouth’s undergraduate advising and research center, UGAR, has made it clear that Dartmouth actually promotes research on undergraduate students, not research by undergraduates.

“I don’t know why anyone would think that we wanted these inexperienced, and frankly, dumb undergraduates in high-tech labs and working on groundbreaking books. I mean, they frequently push two months worth of work into the measly hour they have their Novack study room for. Why would we want them doing research for our faculty?” said UGAR director Marcia Wallace.

Apparently, the whole “Dartmouth Experience” was fabricated by Wallace and her colleagues in order to push fresh-highschool graduates to their absolute brinks in the name of science. She explained the team’s process as such: “First, we made the poor bastards try to learn a semester’s worth of material in 10 weeks. Then, we got them hooked on their sole source of relief, Greek Life. After forcibly making them dependent on dancing to the same three songs over and over again, drinking ‘beer’ (which we’ve replaced with used, stale battery acid), and a toxic hook-up culture which exposes them to gut-wrenching heartache and gut-emptying diseases, we have begun to slowly take it away from them. Between derecognizing their frats and forcing soulless ‘alternative social spaces’ upon them, we will break them completely and leave them with nothing, showing us the very limits of a person’s misery.”

Dr. Jeremiah Johan gave us some further details from the study: “When students were forced to live in a broken down motel and call it a ‘dorm,’ we got a lot of helpful data, just like when we forced the subjects to sleep in the woods, drink water so dangerous it had to be purified by iodine, and even dig their own holes to defecate into. This should have been a pervasively negative experience, but the subjects instead asked to take new students with them the next time! I find these masochistic actions to be quite confusing…”

At press time students across campus were seen breaking down at the realization that their entire college experience was nothing more than a social experiment, which made them realize that that was just what UGAR wanted, furthering their breakdowns.

–FC ’22