The administration has released its style guidelines for any new educational buildings on campus, as maintained by “The Committee of Men Who Keep the Old Traditions from Failing but Really Just Get Shitfaced at their Old Frats”:
Exterior guidelines provide for brick “no lighter or darker than the scar tissue of Ted’s branding” and a general appearance “suggestive of the amount of money we all make now.” For interior study spaces the standards offer some specific guidance. All rooms on Dartmouth’s campus must:
-have portraits of random white guys standing near some books
-make minorities feel like they are living in “the good ol’ days”
-be filled with tables that come to nipple height
-look like the billiards room at “the Club”
-have fucked up columns in the corners because that’s how columns work
-have wood paneling
-have those mini-Parthenon things over all of the doors
-have at least one chandelier that provides illumination no greater than that of three candles from the twilight ceremony
-have at least one shelf of books from The Literary Canon
-have radiators that can click the alma mater (the one without the daughters)
-smell like “that antique store your mother likes on the Cape where she found the ottoman for the guesthouse master bedroom foyer armchair”
New additions to the guidelines have not been accepted for the last quarter millennium and will not be accepted in the future.
-SR ’22
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