After Iowa Caucus Disaster, DNC Cancels Future Primary Dates, Nominates Hillary Clinton Again

In response to last week’s Iowa Caucus debacle, senior members of the Democratic National Convention have announced that they will prevent additional vote-counting issues by canceling all upcoming primaries for this election cycle and naming Hillary Clinton the Democratic nominee for president once again.

The move is part of a new effort by the DNC to end division within the party by removing the channels through which Democratic voters might express discontent.

“Some critics say this change is ‘undemocratic’ or that it ‘undermines the foundation of our governmental structure,’” said Lisa Watters, a press correspondent for the DNC. “To those people, we say: Yes.”

“Of course, we tried to manipulate the process more subtly back in 2016. Unfortunately, we’re not quite as good at that as the Russians are,” explained DNC Chair Tom Perez. “Since then, we’ve come to realize just how little the American people care about corruption, so we’ve just decided to be overt about it this time around.”

At press time, DNC officials confirmed that if this new approach is successful, they will consider making the switch permanent, a move that would likely make Hillary Clinton the Democratic nominee in every presidential election from now until the heat death of the universe.

– BA ’23