After much reflection, I have found my conscience requires me to bring to light a grave wrong in our community. This injustice was apparent upon my first visit to a fraternity, where I overheard a group of my peers converse loudly about how “Mike’s hard.”
No, dear reader, your eyes do not deceive you. Our community emasculated Michael for his erect penis. To my shock, this rampant verbal abuse does not seem to be limited to any one fraternity or sorority. All over our campus, Michael’s erection is discussed at length.
When we first set foot on this great campus, we made a promise. A promise to be better than those who came before, a promise to throw off bigotry, a promise to not discuss our brothers’ one-eyed trouser snake.
Gentleman — have we not come too far for this insolence? Michael is our classmate, our friend. And yet we treat him like this? So what if partying engorges him?
Michael, I know we have not yet made acquaintances, but know that I stand with you. For if it was my erection discussed in the hallowed basements of our community, I would wish for you to fight for me all the same.
Let us put an end to this nonsense. It is time we welcome Michael and his penis with open arms.
I wish to hear no more of Michael’s erection.
-AJ ’23, AK ’23
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