Pope Endorses Same-Sex Unions, ACB Ecstatic Her Homophobia No Longer Perceived As Religiously Motivated

In the new documentary film “Francesco,” Pope Francis advocated for the legal recognition of same-sex civil unions, declaring that same-sex couples are “children of God and have a right to a family.” While this came as great news to Catholics in the LGBTQ+ community, no one was more thrilled about the pope’s announcement than Supreme Court nominee, Judge Amy Coney Barrett, who excitedly claimed that her homophobic views can no longer be criticized for being influenced by her Catholic faith.

“Honestly, I was appalled to hear the pope voice his support for same-sex unions at first. I just couldn’t believe that the leader of the Catholic Church would reject the Bible’s definition of the traditional family,” said Barrett. “But then I realized that people can’t associate my homophobia with Catholicism anymore, and suddenly I was jumping for joy!”

Barrett has been accused of holding religiously biased views that may inform her rulings as a Supreme Court justice, having to justify her defense of the dissenting justices in the Obergefell v. Hodges case for the legalization of same-sex marriage and her belief that Title IX protections should not be granted to transgender Americans. However, now that these views are no longer held by the head of the Catholic Church, she was finally able to admit that her interpretation of the Constitution is guided by her own, secular homophobia, clarifying that she will not allow Pope Francis’s message of acceptance to influence her decisions as a judge.

When asked whether she agrees with those who claim the pope’s statement goes against the Bible’s teachings, Barrett asserted, “While I can’t give a yes or no answer, I do believe it’s a strain on the text to reach that interpretation.” At press time, sources intercepted a message from Barrett to Pope Francis, begging him to announce that he is pro-choice.

– HP ’22