Last Tuesday night, Dartmouth Safety and Security (SNS) Officer Bill Allen was assaulted by a group of unidentified vigilantes, all donning shirts that read “Mask On.” Despite the incident’s jarring nature, the victim was able to recall some details.
Allen described the attack, which happened around midnight, as follows: “I was doing my rounds, no mask on, when five kids came up from behind me and grabbed my arms and legs. They held me down and pried my mouth open. Then one of them hocked a loogie down my throat.”
Choking back tears, the officer added, “It tasted vaguely of tuna salad.” Despite brushing his teeth over three times a day since the incident, the taste of tuna and mayonnaise still lingers in Allen’s mouth. “I’m not sure food will ever be the same,” he grieved.
As the assailants fled the scene, they warned the officer, “Put a mask on, pig, or your daughter’s next!” Allen’s daughter is three years-old.
“I don’t believe the virus is real,” Allen explained, “but I’m sure as shit not taking this mask off until the pandemic hoax is over with.”
The mysterious vigilante group has successfully scared SNS straight. Allen’s partner, Tom Smith, said, “After hearing what happened to Billy, I bought my first mask. Most of the guys did the same. You can call us snowflakes, but hey, at least we won’t have strangers’ saliva in our mouths.”
Who are these vigilantes? Are they heroes? Where will they spit next?
Only time will tell.
-AR ’23
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