Dartmouth Golf Team Seeks Revenge; Crime Spree Ensues

Among the many dreaded criminal organizations called “Sports Teams” on campus, the golf team have recently become notorious for their sadism. Ever since Dartmouth turned its golf course into a park last year, golf related crimes on campus have increased 2332%. Since arriving this September, Jordan Hagedorn, ‘25, has noticed that “Sure, I have been harassed by all these athletes, but the golf team has been the only one to give me a concussion in FOCO via golf ball so far.”

“There are expectations we have to uphold” says Team Captain/Mob Father Tino Magriello, ‘22. “If we do not keep acting tough, who’s to say the other bosses will start encroaching on my gym hours. Taking my frat spots. Claiming my people’s recruited athlete slots. Who’s to say what happens.” Two years ago, Magriello was a mere underboss during the most peaceful time on campus ever. Now, it is normal for students to see volleyball players spike the cross country runners into the ground, all the while baseball players come running up from home, bats in hand. It is all thanks to the golf team.

“I am so shocked by this drastic change” explains SNS Officer Phil Wagner. “I thought we really curtailed the amount of golf crimes with the fall of the Sarzenio golf family in ‘97, but these crimes are now at an all time high. Sand traps, assault with a putter, pitch and run on the green. They happen nightly now. And none of the other teams will take that lying down.”

Dartmouth Athletic Assistant Director John Darling, ‘01, has faced the most harassment. “It’s not my fault the golf course was cut,” protests Darling. “Sure, I proposed it, but keeping that golf course was financially ridiculous. I thought that restoring the team would mean people would stop throwing Arnold Palmers at my house. Instead, just this morning, golf balls were shot through my windows with letters written on them, spelling out ‘F-O-R-E.’”

“Don’t worry, all of our alleged acts, if true, are needed” argued Magriello. “Just the other day, the Squash Squad losers proclaimed that their sport was the most financially elitist. They clearly demeaned us, but who’s to say who woke them up with drivers to their ankles.”

– CJ ’24