’25 At Party In Choates Insists He Is Having A Good Time

After spending nearly 2 years in isolation, the ’25s are reportedly looking forward to the debaucherous hookup scene and endless flow of Keystone they’ve heard so much about. Ryan Bauer ’25 says, “I never partied much back home, so I was so excited to get in on the action at Dartmouth!” According to eyewitnesses at a recent dorm party, Bauer, who repeatedly insisted he was having a good time, was standing awkwardly in the corner of the room, checking his email.

The ’25s, still under the first-year frat ban, have to get creative when it comes to making their own fun. Unexpectedly, the Choates have become a popular location for these events. Sheila Petters ’25 commented, “People complain a lot about these dorms, but the 15 minute walk just helps to build anticipation!”  Carly Powell, Allen House AD, added, “I kind of have to applaud their ingenuity.They somehow found a way to fit 250 people into 130 square feet and still not have fun.” The tropical environment in these rooms also serves to produce a certain aroma: “It’s like we’re hot boxing, but with sweat!” one attendee added.

It appears that pretending to like the taste of alcohol is not the only activity to participate in at these events. Other pastimes include: asking about other students’ majors, checking Canvas notifications, and awkwardly flirting with an international student. “What I really enjoy about these parties is that no one’s attempting to make anyone have a good time,” Bauer contended, “Everyone’s perfectly fine just slightly swaying for hours on end!”

At press time, it was confirmed that Bauer has continued his party animal lifestyle. “A lot of my other residents have gotten kind of bored with the dorm party scene,” his UGA commented, “But not Ryan. If anything he’s actually even more committed now. I’m excited to see him in the frats in a few weeks waiting 45 minutes to lose a game of pong.”

– LE ’25