Recent Evidence Of Jesus’s Companion Parakeet Complicates Pope’s Views On Pet Ownership

This past weekend, a team of researchers in Jerusalem announced the unearthing of archeological evidence which complicated Pope Francis’ recent statement that having pets instead of children is “selfish”. The discovery, the remains of Jesus’ rumored pet, a rose-ringed parakeet, throw the Pope’s comments into question.

“This discovery is incredible,” explained Dr. Yasmine Richards, professor of Theology at Columbia University, “After decades of excavations, we finally found the full skeleton of a bird petite enough to fit the tiny wooden collars uncovered near The Church of Sepulchre.”

The collars, first discovered in 1973, were heavily bedazzled and engraved with the following text, “Mr. Spunkster, Son of Son of God. If found, please return to Jesus Christ. Please be gentle with him. He flies away if you raise your voice. Gain his trust with worms, and don’t feed him too many seeds. He is already a spoiled, spoiled little boy.”

At first, researchers didn’t think much of it, considering that parakeets are native to the continent of Australia and were not documented until the 19th century, but in 1975, another scholar, Dr. Ruth Warner, resurfaced a presumed draft of the Gospel of Matthew, which told of a mysterious companion to Jesus, whom he referred to by many aliases:

Blessed are all my children, almost as loved as my Mr. Spunkster, for their arms are small like Sir Tweets-a-lot’s wings.

Blessed is The Baron, even though he sinned today. He soiled my only pair of sandals.” 

Given the mounting evidence, many historians and scholars began to speculate about the types of birds that Jesus might have kept in companionship, but the Catholic Church staunchly opposed such theories. When asked about the possibility of a “Bird Dad Jesus,” Pope Francis said, “It is of my belief that such a thought is silly. You laugh. It sounds funny, but this is no laughing matter. How could Jesus, The Word of God made of flesh born from the Virgin Mary, who saved us all, by the way, possibly have done so with a pet bird perched upon His Holy Shoulder instead of a child? What blasphemy!”  

In a radical move, however, the Archbishop of Boston, Seán Cardinal O’Malley, spoke out against the Pope’s latest statement, asserting, “The children of God can no longer deny that Jesus Christ Our Lord and Savior adopted a parakeet in place of a child. Joseph did it for Jesus, and Jesus did it for his beloved Mr. Spunkster.” 

Other Catholics have shown support for the Archbishop’s statements, and there have been growing calls for yet another schism, this time being between parakeet believers and deniers. The parakeet believers, who call themselves The Avian Church of Christ, are now calling for holy parakeet adoption. 

Some are even going so far as to replace their children with a singular family parakeet, as one recent convert explained, “Don’t get me wrong. I loved my human children, and I am sure that whatever pagan finds them at the bus station will love them as much as I did, but as a follower of Christ, it would be selfish of me to not fulfill my responsibility of only fathering a single parakeet, as Jesus did during his time on his earthly kingdom.”

– VQ ’24 & HP ’22