Student Feels Safe Wearing KN-95 Mask In Class Sitting Behind The Random Guy She Had A Sloppy, Gross Public Makeout With Last Night

The College’s recent decision to provide KN-95 masks to students, faculty, and staff as the highly contagious Omicron variant sweeps through the nation has been commended by many as an excellent public safety measure. The masks, which filter 95% of air particles, bring peace of mind to both older professors and students who are doing the grossest and yuckiest shit you can possibly imagine 100% of the time they are not physically in class. 

“It hurts the back of my ears a little bit to wear them for the entirety of my 10A, but Professor James is in his late 60s, and I really want to do my part to keep him safe,” said Laurie MacIlroy ‘24. When asked about how last night she spent 45 consecutive minutes sloppily, sloppily making out with some ‘23 she had never met while standing an inch deep in beer and melted snow, in what onlookers described as “hard to watch” and “weirdly fully lit, like it wasn’t even a dance scene,” MacIlroy replied, “I don’t see what that has to do with this?”

Other community members agreed; Melvin Park ‘22 explained: “It’s not that hard to wear a mask. My professor’s wife is immunocompromised.” Park, who played 4 games of pong on Wednesday with used, sticky cups because his social chair “fucking sucks”, vomitted off the Beta fire escape, and then went to hook up with his ex without brushing his teeth, continued, “It’s common courtesy.”

Jolie Troutman ‘23 agreed: “I’m kind of afraid of getting Omicron myself, honestly. I had Covid last winter, and it really sucked. Wearing masks that are more effective seems like a no-brainer.” Troutman, who has not used a condom since 2019 and is unbeknownst to her currently patient zero in an emerging chlamydia outbreak, concluded, “public health is important.”

– IC ’22