Meet the newest addition to the Dartmouth Dining team! We are excited to announce that the Green Bean Man will be joining us this coming spring. Now, you may ask, “who exactly is the Green Bean Man? Let us tell you all about him! We’re so excited to have him onboard!
The Green Bean Man has been visiting Class of 1953 Commons for many years now, always asking if we have green beans. He especially loves the green beans from our Herbivore line! He says they are his favorite, because of how “greenie beanie” they are. Wow!
Among his depth of experience with all things Green Bean, he will also bring us a deep understanding of Green Bean culture. He has personally helped thousands of Green Beans express their love by helping them tie the knot, after which he pronounces them bean and bean! He’s officiated over 12,000 such bean weddings. How sweet! He has also built a bean-sized house within his home which he uses to reenact important events in bean history, which helps young beans connect to their unique culture and traditions. He is a leading scholar on the topic and has self-published over 32 books, articles, and commentaries on Bean Studies. How fascinating!
The Green Bean Man has been so dedicated to all things green bean at DDS that he has even been caught climbing into our facilities in a ninja suit late at night to, as he calls it, “rescue” them from our refrigerators. Afterwards, he smuggles them up to the roof and uses a helicopter-shaped drone to fly them back to his home while blasting the Indiana Jones theme song out of a dangling speaker. What enthusiasm! At his residence he even hosts a barrel of over 60,000 green beans, which he has saved from surely awful fates, which according to him have ranged from “teeth-induced decapitation” to “Bush-era Guantanamo Bay-style waterboarding adapted to large cooking pots.” We are eager to welcome such a passionate bean rights advocate to our DDS family, which reflects our longstanding commitment to bean welfare!
We are absolutely thrilled to have the Green Bean Man with us! Look for him this spring. We hope our customers are just as enthusiastic about him as we are.
– TL ’24
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