Classics Department: the Most Homophobic Department was Secretly Gay the Entire Time

As a department centered around boring, old, nationalistic white men from millennia ago, the Classics Department is famously known for the deep rooted homophobia many of its students exhibit. However, it has turned out that despite these modern biases, Ancient Greece and Rome were actually gay as fuck the entire time.

“Yeah, they were all gay” says Emma Hudson, Professor of Classics. “Like, everyone. Basically every single person was fucking each other (homosexually) the entire time. It was abnormal to be just straight back then. Alexander the Great? Gay. Socrates? Gay. Sappho? Her home was literally named Lesbian Island, translated of course.”

Recently though, the many aggressively straight Classics majors have complained about the added queer research in the department. Ryan Stone ‘24 complains “I took these classes about buff, naked men wrestling to the death to celebrate masculine pride and military conflict, not that gay shit. When you have books as bloody and violent as the Iliad, why would anyone need to shove fluffy gay romance into it?”

“That book is literally about Achilles getting pissed that the Trojans murdered his boytoy roommate” counters Professor Hudson. Hudson has tried her best to uncover all of the true gay secrets of Ancient Rome and Greece, but is has taken a while due to the overwhelming abundance of ancient libraries full of gay smut. And some of this difficulty comes from flawed historical research. “For example, there was a lot of political propaganda that criticized Julius Caesar for having sex with men. We originally thought that they were just being generally homophobic, but turns out they were actually dissing him by calling him a power bottom. Which he was.”

However, some Classics Majors are not shocked at all by this. Emily Allen ‘24 jests “Why the fuck do you think I am here?”

– CH ’24