Report: Not That Many Fish In The Sea After Accounting For Personal Standards, Shared Interests, And Socioeconomic Factors

A study released this morning found that the number of fish in the sea is quite limited after accounting for important fish-selection criteria. 

“Well, first you have to account for relative age. College-aged fishes are quite a small percentage of the larger population,” says the study’s author, marine biologist and relationship expert Alicia Freeman. “And for those who fail to find a compatible fish during that period, the odds are really quite slim. It’s quite a fascinating phenomenon to study.” 

“There are a lot of fishes out there who you might really vibe with, but the physical attraction just isn’t there,” added Freeman’s co-author Anthony Barkovik, continuing “and sometimes it’s the opposite — the sexual chemistry is there, but when it comes to the next morning, you and the fish can’t hold a conversation.” 

“The reality is that expectations for relationships have changed — just any old fish to raise a family with isn’t enough,” Freeman commented, “people want the perfect fairy-tale fish, but the hard truth is that many of us will have to settle for a northern pike, or perhaps an Atlantic mackerel if we’re lucky”

Freeman and Barkovic also analyzed previous literature in the field, finding that the vast majority of those alleging an abundance of fish have already met their fish, and can hardly be viewed as a reliable source.

At press time, Freeman and Barkovic announced a forthcoming article showing the difficulty of determining whether you like the fish you’re with enough to stop looking for another one. 

 — AK ’23