Murdaugh Found Guilty For Murder Via Game Of “Clue”

On a dark and stormy Tuesday, a South Carolina court of law found disgraced ex-lawyer Alex Murdaugh guilty of the 2021 murders of his wife and son.

The jurors, all clad in brightly colored clothing, stood around a cardboard map of the family’s Islandton hunting lodge. They used this map to track the three most crucial aspects of the crime: who did it, where, and with what weapon. The jurors were provided with information via cards about who was not responsible for the murder, where the murders did not occur, and with what weapon it was not committed. To aid their deliberations, the jurors were provided with notepads with boxes too small to write anything in, as well as tiny shitty pencils with no erasers. The judge awaited their decision with the three correct cards face-down on the bench. 

“My favorite part was getting to move the little pretend weapons across the board,” said juror James Day, who played Alex’s older brother Randy. Day then proceeded to place the little plastic rope in the kitchen and pretended to shoot his fellow jurors with the tiny metal gun while making “pew pew pew” noises.  

As the game progressed, Juror Isabel Montoya asked, “Hey, isn’t knowing the motive kind of an important part of this too? And shouldn’t the defense take the stand at some point?” The judge ruled that this ultimately did not matter as there were no motive or cross-examination cards provided by the court.

After a long deliberation, the jurors released the results in a little manila envelope. 

 “The murders were committed by Alex Murdaugh, in the dog kennel, with a candlestick,” read Sam Nathanson, the juror playing Buster Murdaugh. Nathanson then looked for confirmation to the judge, who shook his head. Since Nathanson’s guess was incorrect, the bailiff then escorted him out of the courtroom because he wasn’t allowed to play anymore.

After further deliberation, the remaining five jurors came to the right conclusion. After furiously marking “O”s down on his notepad, Day submitted his own solution with the tiny manila envelope. 

“The murders were committed by Alex Murdaugh, in the dog kennel, with multiple different types of rare guns that the family just happened to own,” read the slips of paper contained within. 

This result was then confirmed by the judge, and the trial was over. Juror Day went home from the trial with a newfound appreciation for the complexities of the American legal system, as well as bragging rights.

— C.B. ’26