President Biden Appoints Fancy Pelussy As Secretary Of Realness

In a bold move amid the controversies over drag laws in Tennessee and Texas, President Biden has officially added a new position to his cabinet: the Secretary of Realness. The inaugural appointee to the position is DC queen Fancy Pelussy, who has over fifteen years of experience as a ‘professional glamazon.’ Both Biden and Pelussy have been a bit cagey to discuss the exact duties of the position, but Pelussy has already been hard at werk.

Wednesday afternoon, Pelussy made a surprise appearance at the House of Representatives. She dramatically threw open the doors and marched over to George Santos. Pointing a finger in his face, she proceeded to read him for filth, saying that he was “not a true glamour diva” and that he “possessed not one bit of cunt in his tiny body.” She then proposed a motion to expel him from Congress, and it passed unanimously. Insiders and experts credit the results of this vote to Pelussy’s congeniality backstage. Even Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene admitted in an interview, “Look, Fancy keeps it real and knows how to read a bitch. Everyone knew that George was not serving the house down boots.” Fellow Republican representative Lauren Boebert still vehemently criticized Pelussy, however: “She’s all fake! No natural beauty at all!” However, pictures from Boebert’s home revealed that she herself regularly uses Pelussy’s eyeliner collab palette with Anastasia Beverly Hills. When confronted, Boebert just blamed it on the edit.

On Thursday, Fancy Pelussy made a visit to Tennessee governor Bill Lee’s personal residence, with the press following close behind. Only snippets of their private conversation were picked up by reporters, but Pelussy was heard saying “This is delusion! You are going to die a local girl, is that what you want?” When Lee was heard sniffling and crying, Fancy replied “Bitch, save it for the main stage. I’m not one of the judges, I don’t want your tears.” 

Four hours later, Lee moved to retract his restrictive drag bills. President Biden and Fancy Pelussy held a press conference to celebrate, during which they wore matching sequin bodysuits. Fox News hosts Tucker Carlson and Laura Ingraham attempted to criticize them for wearing basic bodysuits, but analysts contradicted their claims, instead stating that Fancy and Joe were “objectively serving body-ody-ody. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, the illusion was present, mama.” However, Biden’s ill-fitted breastplate did face scrutiny for taking people out of the fantasy. 

When once again asked about the exact role of the Secretary of Realness, Pelussy rolled her eyes and said, “Look, my job is to sicken and gag. I goop and stun and walk these children in nature, m’kay?” Whatever Pelussy’s tactics, they are working. Her new ‘Feel Your Oats’ initiative has already reduced childhood malnutrition by 20%. Approval polls have given her 10s, 10s, 10s across the board.

No politician is perfect, though. Sources close to President Biden say that Fancy introduced him to poppers, and now he won’t stop talking about them.

— C.T. ’26