Healthcare Hero! Area Man Takes Adderall Shortage Into Own Hands

As the Adderall shortage continues to ravage pharmacies nationwide, those diagnosed with ADHD have been struggling to make do without their prescriptions for months on end. But in the darkness of a seemingly endless supply chain crisis, there is now a hopeful light — a man who identified himself solely as “Rob” has been graciously offering his “stuff” as a substitute for Americans’ missing Adderall refills.

Rob, while meeting with a reporter under the cover of night, recounted how he’d been running his mom-and-pop shop long before the Adderall shortage hit last year. He admitted that it started as a simple way to pay the bills, but as he began to hear countless sob stories of essential Adderall prescriptions going unfilled, Robert soon realized that his small business could offer so much more — a helping hand to those in need.

“I’ll skirt the law to get folks their fix any day, but not letting the average Joe fill his perfectly legal prescription? Now that’s just criminal,” Robert mused as he tapped away at his burner phone, diligently responding to an anxious mother about her son’s next refill. “I know my crystal delights aren’t exactly the same as that FDA-approved kiddie crap, but they’re still pre-tty damn close. It’s only one methylation o’ difference, so don’t worry about it…beggars can’t be choosers, anyway.”

Although Rob’s usual clientele is very self-directed in how they consume his products, he has been taking extra precautions to help acclimate his newer customers, or rather “patients,” as he calls them. “I get that my goods pack a lot more punch than your everyday addy, so I tell folks to take just a little bit. A pinch. A smidgen. Y’know, whatever you feel. I’ve never tried the stuff myself, but I’m sure these newbies can figure out how much works best for their attention decrepit hyperlethargy disorder something-or-other on their own.”

Fortunately, this accommodating attitude has helped new patients adjust so well to their change in prescription that they’ve been able to come in for more frequent refills. “Folks have been eating my stuff up, especially those teenagers goin’ through school. Lots of them show up to my place for their refills every morning before class, and they’re just chock full of energy, bouncin’ around like they’re on top of the world. I’m so happy for them, working towards their degrees with such vigor and all.” And, although Rob typically charges a hefty fee for his work, he decided to drastically cut prices for his Adderall substitution services. “If people really need it then of course I wouldn’t leverage that for my own benefit. What do you think I am, a crook?”

Sadly, Robert was not able to publicly disclose where and how to reach him, though he assured us that he was very busy taking good care of his patients with “acute attention dissected hypothermia disorder” all across New England. Though, at press time, pseudoephedrine-based cold medicines now also seem to be running low in New England. Rob could not be reached for further comment at this time.

— L.A. ’25