Top 6 Ways To Subtly Brag About Your Vitamin D Deficiency During Winter Term

6. Wouldn’t it be crazy to like, have Vitamin D in your system? I personally can’t imagine it. 

5. Seasonal depression goes so hard when you have a Vitamin D deficiency. I’m all, “ooh sad,” and then I’m all, “womp womp!”

4. I have this really bright light in my room so I can make more Vitamin D. His name is Cornelius and he’s my friend. I get to bask in his light every morning, and in return, he gets to see me naked. 

3. All I taste anymore is the cod liver oil I drink eleven times a day to increase my Vitamin D levels. When asked whether I want the hot cup or the cold cup with my Green2Go, I say, “Cod liver cup. Take it or leave it.” They usually give me the cold cup, which I proceed to fill with this cod liver oil here in my bag so I can drink cod liver oil day and night, during class, while the evil thoughts haunt me at night.

2. Each day, my head pounds. Darkness shrouds my vision. The agony of existence would be too much to bear if not for the fatigue that keeps me bedridden until late in the afternoon. I try to rouse my decaying body, but it’s futile, for my muscles have atrophied to mere spindles of their former selves. I scream through the snapping of my vertebrae as I roll and slither to the bottle of calciferol pills. The voices in my head scream. They howl. They jeer. “You will never be enough. Keep crawling, you D-less wretch. Imagine what the world would think if they could see you now.” I reach out, the tips of my pale fingers touching the bottle. The darkness grows greater, until my vision is completely lost. My arm falls to the floor, and the pill bottle plummets with it. It’s a scene to behold: my sweaty, lifeless body, laying among scattered Vitamin D pills. If only I could be normal. If only I could be something better than just a vitamin freak.

1. Did I mention that I’m, like, soooo Vitamin D deficient?

— MCM ’27