Breaking News Update: Classes Canceled Tomorrow Due to Intergalactic Cosmic Calamity

After careful deliberation, Dartmouth administration has decided that all classes and scheduled operations will be put on hold tomorrow. The decision is largely based on tomorrow’s weather forecast, which predicts an inevitable cosmic calamity, the scale of which the universe has never seen before.

The College strongly urges all students to keep calm in the face of complete and certain annihilation. In an effort to avoid widespread panic, all dining locations are now offering the Last Meal Special. That way, students can have one last meal before each and every atom of their body is rended apart by the fundamental forces that once held the universe together. “It is our duty and pleasure to serve the Dartmouth community,” says Dartmouth Dining Services Director Jon Plodzik, “Rain or shine. Or Ragnarok.”

Students are allowed, but not encouraged, to leave campus. According to a College spokesperson, they can “run, run, as fast as they can, but they’ll never escape the downfall of man.” Instead, the College recommends “learning safety techniques such as stop, drop, and roll for when the “Fire of Divine Judgement Threatens to Immolate One’s Mind and Soul.” However, this technique is only to be done as a last resort; all students are encouraged to attend training sessions on Begging and Screaming for Mercy From God Above.

Surprisingly, most Dartmouth students are unfazed by these recent developments. “Yeah, dude. We’re totally gonna like, get destroyed tomorrow,” says Jimmy Fisch ’27. “Like, bro, just chill. My boys and I are going to play like nine games of pong as we get ripped to shreds by the exploding sun.” Indeed, the universe will be infinitely chill once all vestiges of life are consumed by entropy, the College spokesperson confirmed.

*Update: The Committee on Instruction has just announced that all courses will meet in the X-hour during the week following Ragnarok to allow for courses to make up for any lost instructional time during the End of Time and Space. More details on where courses will meet once in the afterlife to be announced via email from the College Registrar tomorrow.

— DZ ’27