Things Are Going Well

Dear Mom,

I am writing this so you know that I’m still alive and doing well. College is great -classes are going well, but it’s a lot of work. Don’t worry, I’m still sleeping and eating. Food is good, people are nice, and really I have no complaints.

Well there is one minor thing. Apparently we are located on top of what is known as a “rift in space and time.” The president and dean have assured us that this is perfectly safe and we should simply not feed anything that appears from the rift. Speaking of feeding things how are the cats doing?

Anyway, the rift only comes with a few annoyances. Like on Wednesday when the giant space worm tore through campus I was totally late for class – it was so embarrassing and everyone stared at me. Thankfully class was canceled on Thursday due to the Jewish holidays.

Then, I went to a fun party on Friday night. Correction: it was fun until the goblins showed up and drank all the alcohol. Once they started tossing people around everyone agreed that this had to be the rudest thing to happen on campus since the Smurf epidemic of ‘97.

Don’t worry, I haven’t spent all my time partying. I have been trying diligently to keep up with my work despite the howls of the man-eating dogs that run through the tunnel system below the school. The library was actually useful for studying yesterday since the cyborgs that live there were too busy attempting to hack into every electrical device on campus to try and vaporize me.

Still I find it hard to concentrate on reading – not because the fairies that live in the walls randomly make fun of you for your outfit, mostly just because I find history boring. Not to mention I have been feeling a bit under the weather lately. The doctors told me it is either a mutated strain of the black plague that had been transported by the giant rats or just a cold. Apparently Tylenol works for both so I am managing.

Sorry that I have to wrap this up so quickly but it is about to be midnight, which is when all the power goes out and is diverted to hell (Satan allows us to use power during the day so long as National Grid doesn’t find out – he’s a great guy!). Tell the family I say hi and I miss them!

Love,

Jacob