Area Fraternity Member Promises His Frat Isn’t Like the Others

Speaking from his pong table last night, local nice guy and fraternity member Simon Reynolds claimed his frat isn’t like the others on Webster Avenue.

“I mean, speaking from experience, there are just a lot more problems at other fraternities than there are here. Look around, we really try to make all girls feel comfortable here,” Reynolds explained, gesturing to the throng of drunk, sweaty partyers and pong players.

“We really don’t have the same problems with masculinity here as with other places—like, if someone calls you a pussy here, you bet we’d call them out on their toxic masculinity,” Reynolds said as he stripped his shirt off and yelled profanities at his pong opponent after forcing his game to half cup-half cup.

“I’ve been to like 5 MAV facilitations, and I think our brothers really just get it when it comes to not being creepy and making our house a place that doesn’t seem so male-dominated,” Reynolds explained over the thumping beat of house speakers playing “Blurred Lines” by Robin Thicke.

Sources report that only recently have sanctions from the college been lifted against Reynolds’ frat for breaching the hard alcohol ban during a tails event last fall term. When asked for comment on the newly-lifted sanctions, Reynolds replied:

“That suspension they gave us was total bullshit; the hard alc ban is so lame.  All we wanted was to have a lit time at our annual “Yoga Pants and Sexist Rants” tails event, but then S&S had to ruin the fun with an unscheduled walk-through.”

“Furthermore, if you ask me, I don’t like to think of our house so much as a fraternity—it’s more like a community-minded partnership of similar people,” Reynolds said of his organization made up of solely male members.

“In the end, I think it’s clear that we really have a solid connection with the women on campus,” Reynolds said proudly, before he kicked a group of women off a pong table, claiming a brother must be on table at all times.

As of press time, Reynolds was last seen exchanging pleasantries with an S&S officer while calling in a Good Sam.

-MH ‘19