Dartmouth to Replace ‘Good Sam’ Policy with Natural Selection

After spending several decades as a core part of Dartmouth’s alcohol and drug policy, the Good Samaritan clause will no longer be in effect, President Hanlon announced last week. In its place, as part of the Moving Dartmouth Forward initiative, the Department of Safety and Security will leave students at the mercy of a new “natural selection” clause.

According to this new policy, Safety and Security officers are no longer obligated to respond to calls requesting medical assistance for the dangerously intoxicated and impaired. In fact, students may face judicial action for attempting to contact officers on their behalf. Both of these clauses, Hanlon explained, have been introduced in hopes that “weaker specimens” will be eliminated from the college’s gene pool.

“It is our responsibility to raise a generation of pioneers who will pave the way to a better future, or at the very least a generation of students who won’t fall down a flight of stairs after three cups of batch like a goddamn baby,” said Hanlon, with a pointed look at a cowering alum in the audience. “By instituting this new policy, we hope to elevate the Dartmouth experience for the student body, primarily by letting Mother Nature work its sweet magic on people who pregame with tequila because God, that shit is awful, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

As with many other aspects of the Moving Dartmouth Forward initiative, the natural selection clause is the subject of quite a bit of controversy. Jeremy Hunter ’19, vice president of Dartmouth Emergency Medical Services, is a strong proponent of the policy change. “Do you know how many times I’ve had to haul my ass over to Webster Ave during my 2am shift to rescue some drunken imbecile from breaking their other leg? You know what thanks I get? A slurred chorus of ‘fuuuuuuuck youuuuuu’ and ‘thanks for ruining the party bro’ from everyone else present. And that’s not even including the projectile vomit on my shirt!”

Leaving a few nigh-alcoholic/criminally stupid students to drown in their own vomit would be a welcome change, the ’19 concluded, before rushing to provide assistance for a drunk student who had fallen off a frat house balcony.

Not everyone shares Hunter’s sentiments; Paul Chen ‘20 expressed concern for the policy’s callousness towards students who are simply looking out for their imperiled friends. “A lot of my friends are taking Orgo this term,” Chen explained, “and I just know that once they get their first midterm back, half of them will try to drink themselves into a coma. I’m not equipped to handle that kind of crisis, even if I wanted to help. Why should I be punished for trying to save their life?” At the suggestion that he could simply persuade his friends to not drink until they enter a catatonic state, Chen responded, “That’s just not realistic,” with a slow shake of his head.

At press time, Hanlon also announced that he would unban hard alcohol on campus, in hopes that “those sorry fuckers will get tougher or die trying.”

– HC ’20