I Would Do Anything To Become A Vizier

Picture this: you’re standing with your arms folded behind your back, slightly to the right of the most powerful guy around and, by God, you’ve got a scheme. You’re the king’s most trusted adviser. Sounds pretty great, right? Well, not to that many people if the reception to my previous two columns “In Defense Of Plotting Viziers” and “The Case for Why the President Should Let Me Stand Near That Desk In The Oval Office And Rub My Hands Together Ominously” is to be believed. While I have accepted that my opinions may not be as widely shared as I once believed, I have faith in my readers to eventually see reason. More importantly, however, I have learned that its still worthwhile to chase your dreams even when no one else understands them.

Since antiquity, countless pages have been written about the nature of happiness. I will not attempt to describe happiness in its general form, but I can say that I know precisely what it means for me: giving a slight bow, saying “as you will, my liege” in a clearly evil voice, and moving silently backwards into the shadows. The purpose of this column is not to make you, the reader, adopt the same fantasy (I could see why you might, of course) but rather to petition any powerful people who happen to read this to please, please, please let me be your vizier. Ideally, you’d be the leader of a nation, perhaps even one of the few remaining monarchs with real power, but I’m not picky. I’ll gladly laugh evilly by the side of any symbolic monarchs, legislators, CEOs, college presidents, or high-level investment bankers who will have me. If you’re the manager at a fucking Staples branch I will be your vizier. PLEASE. I need this.

I understand that taking on a new staffer who has written extensively about his fantasies of betraying his boss may seem like too risky of an investment. However, I promise I will serve you loyally for at least five years before becoming overly ambitious or otherwise corrupted and begin plotting against you. There’s even a chance that if you’re evil enough and I like working with you I’ll remain by your side as more of a villain’s right-hand-man type character. As long as I get to scheme, wear dark and stylish clothes, and do small half-smiles every time someone foolishly takes my duplicitous advice, I’ll be happy.

So once more: PLEASE. If you have even a modicum of power, if you’ve ever thought it might be nice to have a competent but mysterious second-in-command, if you want a bit more excitement in your life from dealing with a coup, double-crossing, or backstabbing, I am literally begging you to let me be your vizier. I will be motivated, interested, and dedicated, and I’ve spent hundreds of hours perfecting a silky-smooth voice that can be both convincing and frightening, as well as a shrieky, high pitch voice for when I am eventually accused of treason. I have a small goatee. If you are interested, please contact me so I can send you my résumé, headshot, and an audition tape of me steepling my fingers and making sounds to indicate I’m thinking about something evil.

– IR ’21