Report: Campus Sidewalks Slicker than Cat Shit on Linoleum Floor

Wintry conditions over the past weeks have left a layer of glare ice on many campus sidewalks, making the walkways slicker than cat shit on a freshly-waxed linoleum floor.

“I almost completely wiped out on the sidewalk outside Foco the other day,” noted Eric Elderbrandt ‘20. “All that snow and slush had frozen harder than a woodpecker’s lips, and it made the whole area just as slippery as snot on a glass doorknob, so to speak.”

Allison Barkerberger ‘19 echoed these observations: “My new winter boots are supposed to have good traction, but on this kind of ice, they do about as well as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest. If you’ll pardon the expression.”

Ryan Oystercatcher ‘22 likened the entire campus to a “giant frigging skating rink,” adding: “I practically had to slide on my tuckus down to the Life Science Center this morning. I hate to take the Lord’s name in vain, but It’s like if Jesus had tried walking on water after the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. ”

“I’ve never seen sidewalks this slippery before,” added Jason Woostingham ‘20. “Last winter term, they never got much worse than bulldog slobber on a porcelain toilet seat. But this term, they’re almost slicker than bloody buttered turkey guts in a hot greasy frying pan. As they say.”

Unfortunately, all that ice isn’t disappearing anytime soon, as temperatures this week will be cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

– BvH ’19