So You’ve Been Possessed by the Ghosts of Hall & Oates. Now What?

It appears you’ve been possessed by the ghosts of Darryl Hall and John Oates. You’re probably scared, and confused, and got lots of questions. Fear not—this is treatable. Let’s start with the facts.

You’re probably wondering how this is possible. Darryl Hall and John Oates, Hall & Oates, if you will, are both still alive. But this is actually pretty typical for them, which is why we created this handy pamphlet. Look, all great artists have their vices—sex, drugs, and rock and roll, you know?—but the notoriously tame and family-friendly Hall & Oates have kept their lifeblood a little more under wraps. That is, about once a year they possess the body of a bright-eyed college student who stumbled onto a 70s playlist at 1:11 am in the library, specifically. Look, it was your fault for playing “Maneater.” You play with fire, don’t you?

So what are your options? You can’t go to class like that, can you? Spontaneously breaking into song in the hallways, sprouting a really sexy moustache that you just can’t shave no matter what you try, a la Tim Allen in the classic Santa Clause film franchise. You, walking down the hallway carrying a guitar that you don’t remember buying, waking up your entire dorm with songs your parents like but you, now, know all the words to. You, Hall & Oates.

This is quite a predicament you’ve stumbled into. Again, it’s very common and totally your fault, but what now? You have a few options. That joke you made yesterday—when your roommate couldn’t find her Hunter boots and you said, “Rich Girl, it’s a bitch, girl” and she didn’t laugh—yeah, you’ve gotta find a solution.

1. You could scare them off by trashing their record label and shouting “I Can’t Go For That (No Can Do)” three times in front of a mirror. You could try. But Hall & Oates may find that endearing. They may stay longer.

2. Your riskiest option, obviously, the one we’re all thinking: exorcism. But despite the boundless energy of what their Wikipedia page calls “a fusion of rock and roll and rhythm and blues,” Hall & Oates are a mighty force that is often underestimated. They can prove resistant to traditional exorcist methods. Proceed wisely.

1. Your final option is to embrace this rare opportunity and lean into your new identity as a pop rock duo trapped in one body. Do you realize how lucky you are? Everyone knows that Hall & Oates have sold an estimated 40 million records, boast six no. 1 songs on the Billboard Hot 100, and have likely fathered dozens of illegitimate children. I mean, come on, look at that moustache. So embrace it, kid! What better mentors could you possibly have than the spirits of Hall & Oates?

– CC ’21