So Trent Fucked Your Friend, Now What?

So, Trent fucked your friend. You’re probably wondering what this means, namely: how can you possibly move on? Here’s our seven-point plan for coping with this big change to your life by becoming Trent’s stepmother.

1. Take Trent out for lunch. Treat him to a meal at one of the dining halls on campus or perhaps head into town for a little variety.

2. Learn what makes Trent’s clock tick. What motivates him? What’s his life story? How did he get so good at lacrosse? How close is he with his mother? Does his father have a history with infidelity? Become Trent’s confidant.

Note: You might get pushback from your friend here — she’ll use language like, “It was just a hookup!” or, “Stop stalking Trent Jesus fucking Christ Theresa!” Be warned, this is merely a defense mechanism.

4. Meet Trent’s family. Maybe they are in town for a quick dinner or to watch Trent play lacrosse. In any case, you should make an effort to introduce yourself to them on behalf of your friend.

5. Compliment Trent’s parents. Tell Mrs. Wilmington that her manicure is “too cute.” Compliment Mr. Wilmington on his tie and his broad shoulders when Mrs. Wilmington is in the other room fetching the deviled eggs.

6. Share an aged bourbon with Mr. Wilmington in his study when Mrs. Wilmington is at her Botox appointment on Thursday. Ask if you may call Mr. Wilmington by his first name, Robert. Place your hand on his knee for a fleeting moment, looking up slowly to meet his gaze. Say, “We…. shouldn’t, Robert…. should we?” Move your hand to meet his on the arm of the leather chair where he reclines. Hold his left hand and ever so slowly slide his wedding band off his ring finger. Have passionate sex on top of his mahogany desk before Mrs. Wilmington gets home at 6:35PM.

7. Destroy Trent’s parent’s marriage. The best way to make Trent feel at home after fucking your friend is to become his stepmother. Force Mrs. Wilmington to move back into her parents’ house in Illinois and sell as-seen-on-TV kitchenware appliances door to door. Gain legal custody over Trent.

Now that you are officially a part of Trent’s family, he can finally feel at ease. Congratulations! Your work here is complete! Your friend should feel more comfortable having been fucked by Trent now that you are his stepmother, good work.

– OG ’22