Student Working Way too Hard to Perform this Badly

Recent sightings find that one ’23, Ethan Chen, was spotted working at FoCo, sacrificing all leisure activities in near-monastic pursuit of absolute efficiency. This has led the student body to the objective conclusion that Chen was working much too hard to only have a C+ in Chem 5. 

Friday night, Chen was spotted waving goodbye to his friends on their way to the frats with Chen staying behind to scrutinize over old worksheets and review concepts that will inevitably escape him come finals. 

Our reporters sat down with Chen to ask him about his uninspired chemistry performance:

“You know,” said Chen, stifling a yawn, “they say that in college, you can either have good grades, or have a good time. I stand as living proof that you can do neither”

Recounting his midterm experience, Chen recalled how he pulled three all-nighters to the point where his “tears warped his textbook beyond acceptable Chegg-returnable condition” and ingested “an unholy concoction of coffee, crushed Adderall, and raspberry Emergen-C” only to “score well below the median.”

“It’s a dirty job, lowering the curve” said Chen “but someone’s gotta do it.”

At press time, it was revealed that in an attempt to “eat, sleep, and study” all at the same time, Chen was found face-first in a bowl of soup with a worksheet slipped in between the bowl and his face. Bystanders note how the air bubbles gradually decreased in frequency as Chen, since hospitalized, was “too tired to lift his head up.”

-NS’23