An extensive investigation has revealed that, for some reason, over one-half of Dartmouth students have used LinkedIn to connect to everyone with whom they have ever made eye contact.
“I assumed you were only supposed to add your close friends and coworkers,” said Naya Lopez ’22. “But complete randos keep trying to connect with me. Today a guy from my first-year seminar who I’ve never spoken to added me. I don’t even follow him on Instagram. Why is this socially acceptable?”
Other students report unsettling behavior by near-strangers on LinkedIn. “Yeah, my freshman-winter-hookup’s-roommate just requested to connect with me,” reported George Marrow ’20. “She’s chill, but I haven’t talked to her in three years, so how can I help her professionally? Endorse her flexibility in scheduling my bad sex?”
Currently, LinkedIn etiquette at Dartmouth seems to permit students to connect with anyone whose face they vaguely recognize. In an interview, Lana Quentin ’21 revealed, “Last week, 38 people asked to connect with me on LinkedIn, including the girl whose hair I held when she vomited in Collis Commonground, some ’23 who really wants to be a First Year Fellow, that kid who punched in the AXA window last winter at Beach Party, and the football player who gave me a concussion by hitting me with his Vespa at the crosswalk outside the Hanover Inn. He just got a job at Goldman, though, so that’s hot…”
“Isn’t the whole point of this website to have a network of professionals you would trust to refer you to a job? What employer is actually going to care how many college acquaintances you have listed on your profile?” Quentin mused.
At press time, Quentin reported, “Oh, yeah, I accepted all of them. I’m trying to get hired.”
-IC ’22
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