Econ Major a Little Too Honest in Recruiting Interview

Amidst the summer recruiting cycle, Dartmouth students everywhere are presenting the best versions of themselves as recruiters for top finance and consulting firms flock to campus. “It’s not about the money,” declared Sam Redford ’22, while interviewing for a position with a six-figure starting salary. “I’ve dreamed about working in derivative trading and credit analysis since I was a kid,” said Anna Park ’23, who still does not fully understand what those terms mean. But one student in particular has been making waves for his radical approach to recruiting. 

“It’s all about being authentic to your true self,” explained Economics major Will Jenkins ’22, who was last seen wearing sunglasses indoors and a t-shirt of Elon Musk hitting a blunt. “Listen, if there’s anything that watching The Wolf of Wall Street has taught me, it’s that you shouldn’t care what the outside world thinks. I see America as a land of opportunity, and I truly feel for the people who choose to be poor.”

Jenkins, who spends most of his time “playing devil’s advocate” on Instagram meme page comments and playing pong with straight shots of vodka, is proud of who he is. “I see no reason to hide who I am just for the sake of some job. That’s some real pick-me behavior,” he declared, while flipping off a newborn baby looking in his direction. “Honestly, if my experience as an r/WallStreetBets moderator and my ability to finesse my way to a 3.8 GPA by taking all layups doesn’t qualify me for a job at Goldman, then nothing ever will.”

Some students have lauded his controversial approach. “He is such a trailblazer. I mean, this whole idea of accepting who I am? I could have never come up with that,” said Elias Preston ’23. “It’s the kind of ingenuity that we haven’t seen since “The Wealth of Nations.”” Others were not so sure. “You can’t just be honest about your true intentions,” proclaimed Maddie Wang ’22, who spends most of her free time flirting with the son of a billionaire hedge fund owner even though she can’t stand him. “How else are you supposed to experience the adrenaline rush of scoping out a new sugar daddy if they see right through you?”

As of press time, Jenkins had received numerous offers from industry giants. “Finally, we get a kid that doesn’t ask us how we add value to society or question our company philosophy,” said one recruiter. “I can definitely see him going places, a Big 3 maybe, or perhaps hell.”

– KW ’23