Hey fuckface! Yeah, that’s right I’m talking to you. Do you smell that? Do you smell that glorious fucking smell on this glorious fucking day that’s wafting down Mass row? That’s right motherfucker.
It’s fucking Chicken Monday.
You ever get out of a long morning class and think to yourself, “Wow I wish I had another option for chicken that is slimier and less-cooked than chicken normally is at Foco”? Well guess what, ass-wipe, you’re in luck. It’s fucking Chicken Monday.
I don’t know about you but I’m fucking stoked about Chicken Monday, and you better be as well or we’re gonna have a fucking problem. Instead of just getting my chicken at the kosher station, the grill, the sandwich bar, the salad bar, the stir fry station, on pizza, or in soup, I’m getting chicken at Ma fucking Thayer’s. I might get a plate, I might get two plates, I might fill up a whole fucking tray; I might even bare hand that shit right from the serving tub. You know why, dickwad? ‘Cause it’s not Tuesday, it’s not Wednesday, it’s not Thursday, it’s not Friday, it’s not Saturday, and it’s certainly not Sunday. It’s fucking Chicken Monday.
But I’m not stopping there. Oh no. Oh fucking no. I’m going to snort lines of cajun seasoning off some chicken breasts. I’m going to eat fucking drumsticks and more mash potatoes than were ever intended to fit onto a plate until I yack. I might even butt-chug some chicken dumpling soup.
The next thing I’ll do is take off my clothes, rub myself all over with barbecue sauce and start doing the chicken dance. Yeah the fucking chicken dance. Like the accompanying dance to the song composed by accordion player Werner Thomas in Switzerland in the 1950s.[1] Yeah that chicken dance. You know why? Well, I think you know why. ‘Cause its fucking Chicken Monday.
When I’m all done, I’ll do my best to clean up after the festivities. I’ll wave a tearful goodbye to my safe space–my chicken haven. I will cover my barbecue-sauce-clad body in napkins and make my way over to the library to do some work. Maybe I’ll pick up a chicken Caesar wrap at Novack.
Happy Monday Bitches!
– GV ’23
[1]“Chicken Dance.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 21 May 2021, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken_Dance.
i live in fear