BREAKING: House Chooses New Speaker

After remaining deadlocked in elections for over four days, the House of Representatives has finally chosen its new Speaker of the House: JBL Partybox 310 Bluetooth.

He has no government or military experience, but he has sent powerful vibrations through the House. Known as a terrific public speaker, the young independent(ly powered device) has rapidly gained supporters with crisp highs, pure mids, and deep bass, with Bass Boost to keep the good times going. “There’s this resonance to every word he says,” said Democratic Rep. Angie Craig. “JBL Partybox 310 Bluetooth knows how to capture the attention of an assembly with 100W JBL Original Pro Sound.”

Though he has been active for two years, JBL Partybox 310 Bluetooth stayed relatively obscure until late December 2022. His high price originally deterred many Representatives, already worried about the economic state of the nation, but the price drops of post-Christmas sales finally brought him to the forefront as a plausible candidate.

JBL Partybox 310 Bluetooth’s entrance onto the political scene comes during a period of tumult amongst House Republicans. House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy’s failure at the most recent vote was due to a group of holdouts led by Rep. Matt Gaetz, who earlier this week demanded concessions including enacting term limits, lowering the vote threshold to oust a sitting speaker, and giving Rep. Gaetz a turn on aux. 

McCarthy responded to the demands forcefully on Thursday, saying “I have a lot of respect for Rep. Gaetz, but he is out of touch with the rest of our party, and he always plays indie garbage that no one’s even heard of.”

Today, neither McCarthy nor Gaetz commented on the announcement of the JBL PartyBox as a speaker candidate. Operatives on both sides of the aisle agreed that their silence showed the potential for the JBL PartyBox portable speaker to unite the Republican party’s narrow majority. 

At press time, Democratic Rep. Ro Khanna said, “With a built-in rechargeable battery for up to 6 hours of playtime and a dynamic light display that syncs to the music, you can see why McCarthy is nervous.”

—SS ’26 & AK ’23