Dartmouth Removes All Red Flags, Making Frat Boys Datable

Gentlemen from a variety of Greek houses became incredibly datable Friday night after Dartmouth Residential Operations removed all red flags from their personalities.

“I don’t know what it is,” said Margo Robinson ‘24, “but something about campus culture just seemed to change overnight!”

Alerted to the flagrant display of character flaws in violation of the Student Handbook’s so-called “Don’t be a Dick Clause,” SNS officers rushed in overnight to take down all red flags without warning. In some cases, they left nothing but a note reading “remove flags.”

On Saturday, Dartmouth women noticed the sudden disappearance of backwards baseball caps, unwashed t-shirts, and unshaved stubble. Men at Foco even stopped drinking plain milk and pulpy orange juice.

Also noticeable was the uptick in compliments and tips to service workers, boosting the Upper Valley’s economy and general self-esteem nearly 15%. Single women were astonished as they found men honest, emotionally vulnerable and ready for committed relationships, and women in relationships found their boyfriends suddenly fixed.

“My boyfriend stopped playing lacrosse!” cried Brigid Carlson ‘26.

The move has drawn resistance from students who believe that freedom of douchebaggery should be allowed as written in the Constitution. They state that Dartmouth’s sudden action comes abruptly after years of inaction regarding Dartmouth men’s clear red flags, and this policy simply covers up deeply held neuroses.

“A frat boy is a frat boy, whether he waves it in everyone’s face or not. Dartmouth’s silencing changes nothing,” stated Charlene Timmons ‘25.

Other critics stated that any such sudden change, whether helpful for campus culture or not, should not occur without students’ knowledge or consent. The Student Handbook must be enforced transparently in its entirety, they believe, or not at all.

At press time, Safety and Security was unavailable for comment, busy taking people’s baby teeth and slipping dollar bills under their pillows.

—SS ’26