The Fraternities: Ranked, But By Architecture
12. Bones Gate I’m just going to say what we are all thinking. BG is fucking ugly. I hate their dumpster fire of a yard. I hate the general state of disrepair. I hate the…
Articles
Dartmouth Democrats to Stop Encouraging Men to Vote
In the wake of this past November’s midterm elections, which saw mixed results for both parties, the Dartmouth Democrats have announced several strategic changes for upcoming election years. In particular, the club will no longer…
Conservative Grandfather Delighted To Learn That College-Aged Granddaughter Shares His Political Views
Larry Phisher, 73, was delighted to learn that his granddaughter Shelly Phisher, 21, still shared his radically conservative political views at their holiday gathering. “It’s great to know some kids still have some sense. I…
Hanlon Assures Students Dartmouth Will Pay Exactly How Much This Whole Sexual Assault Thing Costs But Not One Sixpence More
In an email to members of the Dartmouth Community last week, President Phil Hanlon ’77 demonstrated his commitment to fixing that whole sexual assault oopsie. “We will devote the resources needed to fix this issue,”…
Fake D 18F
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Heartwarming: Local Man Donates Kidney to Stranger in Exchange for Stranger’s Equally Functioning Kidney
It really doesn’t get more inspiring than this story, brought to us from Boston, MA where a local citizen committed an admirably selfless act. Earlier this week Samuel Hillman, aged 37, reportedly donated his kidney…
Religious Groups on Campus Absolutely Burning with Sexual Tension
An investigation by this paper has found that religious groups on Dartmouth’s campus have become magnets for extreme amounts of sexual tension due to the common ground shared by members of said groups and the…
Next Dartmouth College Republicans Guest Speaker Literally the Reincarnated Corpse of Adolf Hitler
In a somewhat surprising announcement, the Dartmouth College Republicans have announced the guest speaker for a talk they will host next week: it’s literally the reincarnated corpse of Adolf Hitler. “We believe that our speaker…
A Woman Really Can Have It All, If By “It All” You Mean The Rest Of This Chicken Taco Because I Do Not Want It Anymore
It’s 2018, and I truly believe that we have reached the age where, in spite of centuries of gender-based oppression, a woman can finally have it all. That is, of course, if by “it all”…
I love voting so much, I voted twice!
Hi, my name is Polly, and on Tuesday I voted! I love voting so much! Voting makes me the happiest I have ever been. Ever. I have never been happier. Nothing makes me happier than…
GroupMe Member Still Sending Police Scanner Updates
Four days after the shooting of a teenager in Hanover, one person in your GroupMe has continued to listen to the Hanover Police scanner, group members report. Though most people in your “Chem 5 Study…
How Can One Student Make Any Class a Layup? The Answer May Surprise You!
Brian Watson ’22 recently discovered the best kept secret on campus, just in time for winter course selection. “Anything can be a layup,” Brian said. “You just have to give up.” “I can’t believe no…