FOOD COURT FOR CAIMANS
The floor of Food Court was awash with the green foam of the swamp. Darmouth students paddled slowly through the mire, their eyes and nostrils visible just above the surface of the water. Destiny Smith…
Articles
Sherlock Brolmes, Frat Detective: Part III
The next time I saw Sherlock Brolmes, he was doing the Walk of Shame across the Green, wearing nothing but a deerstocker. He had texted me earlier simply with “PNTS.” I handed him a pair…
Don’t Drop the Soap
“Don’t Drop the Soap”
A Series of Progressively Worse Decisions
You buy stock in the Housing Market …from a homeless man …who will only accept his own semen as payment You shoplift …a book …from Good Will …that book is a copy of Hustler …that…
7-Eleven Protest
In support of our print issue, The Dartmouth New Frontiersmen, we went out to the Green and protested the evil government conspiracy that is 7-Eleven! Click here to view our pamphlet of conclusive…
Sherlock Brolmes: Frat Detective, Part II
“COME OUT COME OUT WHEREVER YOU AAAAAHHH!!!” screamed Sherlock Brolmes as he took a sledgehammer to the wooden wall of Zeta Zeta Zeta’s basement, looking for their stolen composite picture. Bottle caps, beer cans, and…
15 Names for Dartmouth Herds
There are many names for groups of animals that are freaking ridiculous. A gaggle of geese. An army of frogs. A raft of ducks. A troubling of goldfish. A business of ferrets. A hover of…
Batman and Ramen
O, To Be A Mortician!
O, To Be A Mortician! O Loveliest of Lives! O Sweetest of Dreams! To be a mortician, and spend my night frolicking in the palaces of embalmment, listening to The B-52s, and their array of…
Sherlock Brolmes: Frat Detective, Part I
“WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM?” screamed Sherlock Brolmes into his cell phone before flinging it across the room in a drunken rage. “Another black North Face jacket?” I asked. “I am a…
Clowning
Origins of Cheap Alcohol
1. Franzia Caprese, Italy, 1972: Maria: “Quick, Gabriella, step on those grapes faster! Franz the Giant Baby, he grows thirsty!” Gabriella: “I am trying as hard as I can, but my feet, they grow tired….