Hilarious! Your Sorry Ass Didn’t Switch To Ivy Unlimited
No way…really???? You didn’t switch to Ivy Unlimited? But we told you to, silly! It’s fun! It’s cheap! It’s a great way to spend an extra $300 for unlimited swipes into the Class of 1953…
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BREAKING: House Chooses New Speaker
After remaining deadlocked in elections for over four days, the House of Representatives has finally chosen its new Speaker of the House: JBL Partybox 310 Bluetooth. He has no government or military experience, but he…
Children In Trench Coat Pretending To Be Man Actually Man Pretending To Be Children Pretending To Be Man
This Monday, KTYX New Hampshire local news broke a developing story at the Nugget Theater; three local children in a trench coat pretending to be a singular man are, in actuality, a man pretending to…
The Collis Meatball Disparity
This past year, Dartmouth removed student loan requirements for families making less than $125,000. This step has been praised as an important stride towards an equitable campus. However, students note it pales in comparison to…
President Abraham Lincoln Re-Assassinated for “Polarizing and Extreme Progressivism”
Just a week after his revival by the Secretary of Necromancy, President Lincoln has been assassinated by political reactionaries for a second time. Under custody, one assailant Richard Pluck said, “He was a total extremist!…
Republicans To Divide North and South Dakota Into 37 New States To Protect Senate Chances
BREAKING: The legislatures of North and South Dakota have voted to “mutually redefine their borders” into a strange mess of no less than 37 new smaller states, with names such as “Northeast Southern West Dakota”…
How I Dealt With My Parents’ New ‘Companion’ Damien
Ugh, I was dreading winterim. The holiday season was in full swing and I was happy to be home with family, but there was just this icky feeling. I’d been seeing Damien showing up on…
Freak Athlete Darth Killjack IV ’26 May Just Be A Freak
With the conclusion of the 2022 Dartmouth football season, the team can look back at some of its great moments and plays made by their star players. Particularly one player, Darth Killjack IV ‘26. Killjack…
Wholesome UGA Helps Homesick ’26 With A New Mannequin Family!
In the weeks approaching winterim, ’26 Rebecca Balone was feeling eager to go home. “After the initial excitement of freshman year wore off, I just felt alone,” she says, “I missed my friends and my…
Meet The Newest Member Of Local Fraternity: Guy Stuck To Basement Floor
After an exciting fall rush cycle for Dartmouth’s fraternities, we interviewed a particularly spirited pledge of Alpha Kappa Beta, Jack Glass ‘25, in the basement of AKB last week. “I wasn’t initially interested in rushing,…
Top Seven McLaughlin Snack Bar Instant Ramens!
7. Buldak Artificial Spicy Chicken Flavor (Samyang) This Korean import has a thin, unpleasant broth. Too spicy and too immaterial to have much flavor, all that one is left with after a taste is heartburn….
Tuck Board Of Admissions Imposes New Application Fee Of Candidate’s Soul
The Tuck Graduate School of Business released a statement Monday announcing that they will be getting rid of their $250 application fee in an attempt to make applying to Tuck more inclusive for lower-income students….