Pulse partners with new sponsor, the Lord Almighty

The popular survey app Pulse announced today that they have partnered with God, the omnipotent being that has existed since the beginning of time. “We’ve been trying to reach out to Him for a long time,” said the CEO of Pulse in a press release, “and our prayers have been answered. He sent us an e-mail.”

New rewards have started to roll out across the platform: Among choices of free milkshakes and socks, users now have options such as “Know the Date You Will Die,” “Get Your Parents Back Together,” and “Bestow Sentience Upon an Inanimate Object.”

“I really like the new rewards,” said Heather Hanson ’19, “though I think the one where you add a year onto your life shouldn’t have to subtract one from a stranger’s.” “There’s one that’s ‘Absolve Five Sins!,’” remarked Paul Ritter ’20, “isn’t that just like, an indulgence?” “I chose the one where you get to see what Hell looks like,” commented Ernie Penman ’21, “and let me tell you, that shit does not look good. Nope.”

Though Pulse issued a statement saying that surveys would be unaffected, users have been noticing strange alterations. In a survey titled “Personal Habits,” users were asked questions such as “How many times have you lied in the past week?,” “Have you ever had premarital sex?,” and “When was the last time you went to confession?” In another survey, users had to answer “How many angels could dance on the head of a pin?,” and “If you were an omnipotent being, how would you lift a rock that you made so heavy you could not lift it? Asking for a friend.” A campus-wide email urged students not to answer questions for a survey offering six hundred and sixty-six points, whose title was in an unknown language.

At this time the Lord could not be reached for comment, though we have not saved up enough points for the “Have God Actually Listen to Your Prayers!” reward.

-KD ’21