1. Winning a thunderdome is always a pyrrhic victory.
2. This doesn’t mean it is not worth undertaking.
3. Develop a frivolous crush on at least one person in each of your classes. This gives you a reason to go to class every day.
4. The stated Hinman post office hours are more of a guideline than anything.
5. If you don’t want a football dude to ask you if he can warm up with your max avoid the gym from 4-6pm.
6. You can be above median in your GPA or on your house’s pong-ranking but not both. Choose wisely.
7. The oldest whitest departments (Classics, Philosophy, &c) are housed in the oldest whitest buildings (Thornton, Reed, &c).
8. In film classes, you get to watch movies in class. Seriously.
9. Never write about something your professor is an expert in.
10. Conversely, the phrase “I’m curious what’s being said about ______” is functionally equivalent to “I am damn near guaranteed to love a paper about ________.”
11. No one cares about that performance group you’re in.
12. Unless it’s an a capella group.
13. Then, only the freshman care.
14. Freshman, in general, care about a lot more things than upperclassmen.
15. Secret Societies aren’t.
16. In fact, you’re probably more likely to know who’s in Abaris than who’s in Taal.
17. Beer really does make you fat.
18. You can act however weird you want and people will assume you’re just pledging somewhere.
19. Which means actually gaining attention is absurdly difficult.
20. Which is why there’s so many a capella groups.
21. The grill guys are actually quite friendly and love craft beer and comic books. I wish they could rush my house.
22. Ambassadors for positive town-gown relations = Jack Stinson and Collis Ray.
23. Every term is winter term.
24. If it’s sunny outside, go outside. You can turn your paper in late.
25. Especially in the English department.
26. Your Dartmouth white on green block text t-shirt is functionally equivalent to a plain white tee.
27. CnA’s is actually the best pizza place in town and if you disagree, then you simply don’t appreciate that pizza is supposed to be swimming in grease.
28. You can order EBA’s until 2:10 am, but nothing says they’re going to deliver it.
29. And in my experience, they’re not going to.
30. If you pay attention in “Vampires, Witches, and Firebirds,” you’ll actually learn a lot about the history and practice of the study of folklore.
31. If you don’t, you’ll still probably get an A-
32. If everyone in your class got the same grade, you should assume the professor has tenure.
33. Four years is exactly enough time to live in Hanover. Unless you’re Bill Bryson.
This is legitimately the first genuinely humorous thing I’ve ever seen in the Jacko. Well done, guys.
This is legitimately not the first completely useless, patronizing backhanded chicken-shit anonymous comment I’ve ever seen on the internet. Well done, douchebag.
Go watch Mind of Mencia and choke on your own vomit, you snarky sack of afterbirth.
hey, that comment was helpful even if it was backhanded. they were saying it was funny. ergo, helpful.
also, Mind of Mencia??? such a punishment would be too harsh, I say!!!
this is hilarious but the jacko has definitely made me laugh before this, too. i guess some people only appreciate dartmouth-themed humor. well done, guys. emphasis on the “s”.
Amusingly, Bill Bryson left.
Amusingly, Bill Bryson left.