There are two muffins in an oven. One muffin says “Oh my gosh, it’s getting hot in here!” Then the other one says “Oh my gosh, a talking muffin.” To which the other replies, “Are you serious right now, Tad?” Tad doesn’t reply. He is sick of Dan constantly critiquing everything he says.
“Do you have to make that joke every time?”
“I was just trying to lighten the mood, okay?”
“What’s there to lighten? We’re baking in an oven. We are at the end. Before long, we’re going to be placed on a plate and eaten, never remembered.”
“Maybe they’ll keep us in the freezer.”
“Well la dee freaking dah. Wouldn’t that be a nice alternative? Instead of dying right away, I could endure insufferable cold in anticipation of my still inevitable death. Sounds great, Tad.”
“You don’t have to be so negative all of the time.”
“I’m not being negative. I’m a realist.”
“Negative, realist, it’s all the same, Dan. You can’t try to be happy for one second. You always have to be caught up in the next looming tragedy.”
“We are literally about to be consumed by large, merciless beings.”
“Why don’t you try counting your blessings for once?”
“What blessings?”
“You have a whole top, you’re pretty blueberry dense. And, for reaons I don’t seem to understand, everyone in this dozen likes you.”
“Everyone?”
“Everyone.”
“So that means…”
“Yes, Dan. I still have feelings for you.”
“Now you tell me?”
“I guess the whole near-death thing really brings out my confessional side.”
“You couldn’t have told me sooner?”
“What would that have done, Dan? You think I want to have feelings for you? Do you know how exhausting it was when we dated? You are always complaining. It starts off interesting—you seem complex, dark, sensitive, brooding—but then it just gets annoying. Besides, we’re just going to die anyway.”
“If I had known you still had feelings I might have—“
“Have what, Dan? Continued to miss my calls and not respond to my texts? Stand me up consistently?—“
“I was afraid, okay? I had never been in a serious relationship before. I was worried about what would happen if I got too attached. I don’t know. I…I…knew it wouldn’t last long, it couldn’t. It never does, and I just couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.”
“Well it didn’t last long. You made sure of that.”
“I’m sorry, Tad. I screwed up. And look where we are now. About to die. And you know what? It’s only now that I realized how wrong I was to hurt you. And now I’m realizing how I only hurt myself.”
Tad doesn’t respond.
“I don’t like that I’m negative. I don’t like that I complain or try to sound smarter than everyone. I just, don’t know what else to do. I wish I could be happy and funny and care-free like you, but I’m not. So I’m bitter and jealous and sad.”
“I’m jealous too.”
“Of what?”
“You’re so smart and observant, I wish I could be as analytical or insightful as you, but I’m not.”
“You mean that?”
“Of course I do. I love you.”
“You…”
“And you don’t have to say it back. I know you’re probably preoccupied with the fact that we are soon be eaten alive, but, I don’t know. I just wanted to get that off my chest before I never got to see you again.”
“I love you too.”
“You mean that?”
“I really do. And I’m sorry for how I treated you. If I could do it all over, if I had even one more day with you, I would treat you like the prince you are.”
And then the two muffins were taken out of the oven, wrapped in tinfoil, and placed in the freezer. So there they were. Two muffins in a freezer. The first muffin said “Oh my gosh, it’s getting cold in here.” And the other muffin said “Oh my gosh, a talking muffin.” And the first muffin laughed. The second muffin laughed too.
“I love you, Dan.”
“I love you, Tad.”
–DZ ’16
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