How to make a peanut butter sandwich for your child after he walks in on your six-way BDSM sex-fest

1. Get untied. Your little angel will be less worried once you’re not dangling upside down from the sex swing with a ball gag in your mouth.

2. Shield that little rascal’s eyes. You do not want him to see Karen going to town on your Holestuffer 6000’s cyclone attachment. In fact, you might want to put her back in her cage.

3. Deal with your leather daddy. There’s a time and place to explain leather fetishes to your tyke, but it should be a time and place where your junk isn’t hanging out of your clown costume.

4. Tuck your junk back into your clown costume.

5. Hold your kiddo’s hand while you walk him out of the room. You don’t want him slipping on all the fluids!

6. Comfort your special boy. “No, buddy, it’s okay. Sometimes the pink Power Ranger and the Al Gore impersonator like to wrestle, but even though she’s screaming like she’s being stabbed with a samurai sword and he won’t stop yelling ‘Green energy is the key to a sustainable future!’ while shoving her face into the carpet, he’s not hurting her.”

7. Make the peanut butter sandwich. Success! You’ve made your child a nutritious snack. Now sit him in front of the TV, turn on PBS, and go shower off all that urine.