Dartmouth Review Restores Pornhub Access, But Only Straight Porn

Last week, The Dartmouth Review announced that its efforts to restore students’ access to pornhub.com has succeeded, but only for straight pornographic videos.

Straight men eagerly rushed to the interwebs, frantically googling “girls kissing girls,” while the gay population went online with the hope of remembering what it’s like to see a same–sex couple being intimate. Both groups were met with resounding failure.

Theodore Wyatt ’20, a staff writer for the Review, explained that restoring pornhub.com was part of a greater campus wide initiative to thrust liberty and agency into the hands of the Dartmouth community.

“You will never know how much it cost my generation to preserve your freedom. I hope you will make good use of it,” Wyatt stated, quoting John Adams.

“Obviously pornography has been part of the tradition of the Dartmouth community since our founding 250 years ago. If the Review was going to fight to bring it back, we wanted to make sure that the porn available was in line with true American family values,” Dexter Smith ’21 said.

“The porn available on our campus will serve as a reminder that at the end of the day, marriage is between a man and a woman, and porn should only and ever be of said man and woman railing each other.” Bailey Rogers ’22 chimed in.

The Dartmouth Administration did not comment on the issue at all, but decided to light up Dartmouth Hall with rainbow colors and call it a day.

-EZ ‘22